So here they are:

Taboo #1 – You can’t say how you wished your kids had your genetics and looked like you.  I remember when Pearlie and I were dating and “talking” about marriage, we often discussed how adorable and cute a 1/2 caucasian and 1/2 filipino baby looked. It was crazy. The couple could be the ugliest ever, but put them together and make a baby…instant beauty. Now, if the couple was gorgeous and handsome…like us, of course, the beauty was even more majestic. So here I am with 2 beautiful guatemalan children, that look nothing like me. If I’m alone, with the kids, in a grocery store, I get looks, especially from the hispanics. If Pearlie is with me, I still get the looks, but not as long. Almost saying, “OK, she’s dark, so maybe it’s his kids…her genetics are just stronger.”

Taboo #2 - You can’t talk about the sadness of not being able to conceive a child.  Many people…well, some people (women) talk about it from the woman’s perspective, but as a man, I had to grieve too. There were questions to answer like, would my marriage survive? Was it really OK to me? And mixed into all of that was my adoption and the shame I would feel just by thinking of adoption as a second option and conception as the best. By lying to myself and saying, “yeah, adoption’s cool, it’s the best anyway,” was really causing harm to me in two ways – not allowing myself to get comfortable in my own skin as an abandoned adoptee AND at the same time triggering the co-dependent husband who didn’t know how to tell the truth to his wife and let her have her own feelings of sadness and grief. I was afraid to talk to her and she was afraid to talk to me. Both of us lied to each other so feelings wouldn’t occur. Adoption is wonderful, but it is not the “bandage” for our infertility wounds. It is a whole separate issue that our marriage is still working through today.

Taboo #3 - You can’t talk about your “second thoughts” concerning adoption. It’s interesting that there are many BIG choices, that I’ve made in my life, where I’ve looked back and thought…”Wow, maybe that wasn’t the best choice.” In my career, I’ve done it. In my marriage of almost 19 years, I’ve done. It is human nature. But with adoption, it’s a little different. I think the big deal and reason for this is the forward planning and “absolute” commitment that is placed on a couple prior to even filling out the papers. A biological baby comes along due to normal sexual activity and maybe, maybe, a discussion or 2 or 3 that possibly having a kid would be a good thing. Or my favorite…A couple stops taking birth control and waits and sees what happens. If it happens cool…if not…well that’s cool too, as long as it’s not too long of a wait. For me, my second thoughts have come around my personal evaluation of whether I’m doing my kid(s) more harm than good, with me being their parent. The other deal is the total “robbery” of “my time” that my kids take. The commitment that I made when I signed those papers, on a bad day, is hard to find…and that’s when the thoughts creep in.

So why write and maybe even talk to others about these taboos and more? Because they are real…and the truth…and to ignore them is more unhealthy than acting out on them. And that is the key…realizing, admitting, and then accepting that things may not have turned out like my mind planned them, but that my family and how it formed and was put together is exactly how God had planned for it to be. Walking through the feelings of anger, shame, hurt, sadness, loneliness, and fear only get me to the other side where gladness, joy, gratitude, and love hang out. Most days really they are all mixed together like a soup. The journey that once was just mine, is now more, and just like with marriage, more to be revealed and way more to learn.

Hayden

Every time adoption comes “near me”, it stirs up one main feeling…Happiness. I was so happy to hear of Jason and Shannon’s addition to their house and lives. Domestic adoption, which I personally understand, is so much different than international, also which I personally understand. The days of closed adoptions are over…thank God. I would love to have some information on my birth family. Just a morsel would be fine. That’s when other feelings related to adoption come to the surface like, fear and anger. Fear comes from the story I tell myself, in my head that I may never find and/or know my birth parents and in a sense never know “where I came from”. The anger is more from my desire for it to be different. That back in the 60s someone thought it was a good idea not to let any information leak, because the adopting family and the baby want to feel as “normal as possible”…like the child came from the woman that is raising him/her is the best thing for them developmentally. WRONG!

Me - 1969

My anger today is not as great, since I know they are doing it right. Open to partially open adoptions are so much the way to go. My kids are going to feel and experience some of both, plus the issue of their genetics screaming GUATEMALA, but their reality is USA. The pictures below were taken when they were still at the orphanage in Guatemala, Eagles Nest. I know the “mamas” meant well as these were the July monthly

Kaia - July 2008 - Guatemala @ Eagles Nest

Mateo - July 2008 - Guatemala @ Eagles Nest

pictures that our agency sent us. My job today is not giving them plenty of American culture, they live here, it’s all around them. My challenge is helping to preserve their Guatemalan heritage that flows through their blood stream and is woven into their DNA strands. I don’t want them to forget where they came from and ultimately where they are going. They live the present and feel every moment of it. That’s what kids do. It’s me that forgets my babies are adopted sometimes. I “see” them though, and they know it, because I tell them and they vibe it. Love just does that. The blessings of adoption are so cool that via the same love a biological parent has, I too get to experience what it’s like to “see” a child, “feel” a child, and LOVE them like my life depended on it. And now Jason and Shannon get to experience the same thing.

Welcome Home Hayden…ready for some lovin’?

Jason and Shannon's Wedding 5/16/2009

I came across this collage today as I was organizing some photos. It’s one of my most favorite moments of my life. Blessed!

Mateo

Here is an exchange I had with Mateo today:
Mateo: “Hey Daddy, look, watch this, it’s funny.”
Me: (Tuned out…sorta, remember I’m an adult I’m good at that).
Mateo: “Daddy, look, I want to show you.”
Me: (not looking at him, I answer) “OK, cool, show me.”
Mateo: “Daaaddddyyyy, you can’t look with your ears.”

Damn, he got me. He’s good!

What a troubled guy he probably was…more than we will probably ever know.

I’ll miss his talent. Here’s a little something I found that keeps his memory a little more active.

I first blogged about this series when I saw Josh Hamilton’s video, back in April, 2009. Anyone that opens up and shares their struggles and pain with honesty and humility is so inspiring to me. God digs it and I do too. There is something so strong about shedding our “societal cloak” and getting to our brokenness. I think that is what brings people together. I couldn’t help but feel like I’ve known Michelle for all my life. Turns out it’s because her story is mine, and that is where the connection comes. God is big enough, but I’ve got to let Him out of “the box”, my brain/childhood beliefs/”feelings” puts Him in, to see and experience His hugeness.

Have a wonderful Sunday.

November 2009 - Radnor Lake

This next week I’m on vacation. We had originally planned a summer road trip, for this next week, that has become a tradition for us since we got the kids. Southern California was the planned destination, but with make-up training needing to be done as well as protect our bank account, we decided to STOP and reevaluate. Stopping is not the easiest thing for me. I’m like most folks and pretty much continue doing stuff even when I think or say that I’m not. Even writing this blog is doing something. It’s not really stopping. But comparatively it is, I guess. With two 3 year olds and living in the wonderful state of Colorado, “stuff” is always around to do. I’m not sure if this was the case for me as a kid or during my parent’s life, at my age. Money, opportunity, and society’s pull have changed over the years, and it’s obvious I’ve been affected. It is a slow change and unnoticeable during the change, but super obvious in times of honest reflection.

I noticed yesterday as I saw Mateo and Kaia walking next to each other on the sidewalk, that they are growing. Mateo is stretching out his Guatemalan born frame and looks like such a little boy. Kaia is such a pretty girl and less like my little 2 week old baby that I met years ago. Pearlie and I are changing too. I LOOK at old pictures and see the young couple that almost 19 years ago had no idea what this journey would look like in 2011. I don’t see changes unless I look, and I forget that to really look and see, I’ve got to stop first and “focus” on what I’m looking at. This applies to ALL areas of my life not just the physical changes of my family, but the emotional and spiritual “appearance” of each member too. My job and the daily activities of life happen quick. I probably catch and see maybe 60-70% on a good day. This is not a revelation to me. I have built in ways of refocusing my attention to the things I value. This is a daily process for me. But like many best laid plans, some days are better than others. Thank God for meetings and the 12 Steps of recovery.

I hear my kids playing in their rooms right now. “Pretend” in all it’s many forms, and subjects, seems to be the playtime theme of choice lately. They are so verbal and smart. This summer we went to Disney for Pearlie to run in the Princess 1/2 Marathon, with a friend. Her family came too and we all had fun enjoying the race and fun of Disney. When we got home, my kids played for weeks, “Jim and Teggin”, our friends. They were the “daddy and mommy” and play acted the whole family structure. It was hilarious. I ask my kids, “are you listening?”, as a way to test if they are hearing me. I think a lot of times they hear when they want to and when we don’t want them too. Since starting on this parenting journey, I’ve started to remember some of my own childhood, as I experience young life again through my kid’s eyes. They LISTEN to a lot. I did. That’s how I found out I was adopted (another blog for another day). They instinctively know that part of growing and learning is listening. They get quiet, they tune in, and then soak in. Whether good or bad, kid’s listen. I sometimes confuse that they are not, with just their test of independence and boundary challenging. They have not yet learned the “value” of tuning out, like I have. Pearlie tests this on me all the time. She says I’ve got that life skill down good. It’s interesting that she uses a time, during a sporting event, on TV, to do it though . To listen to ALL the “things” around me, not just people, takes active thought and followed through action. I can’t listen unless I stop my current thing that I think is important, and look at the person, situation, or inspiration directly. Slowing down doesn’t work, I’ve found, because 100mph to 80mph IS still defined as “slowing down”, and that’s usually what I do. Doing it differently and changing will take some time and effort, but I’ve got a week and a few days, right?

It could be very likely that I STOP…DROP…and ROLL by the end of next week, but I hope not. Peace!

Father's Day + Baseball = Great Memories - Father's Day 2011

Happy Father’s Day to all the Dad’s out there…whoever and wherever you are.

The family and I headed out to a Colorado Rockies game today. Mateo and I representing with our Cardinal gear. Dad, well, he’s become a local…and cheers for the Rockies. Living in either N.C. or TN. neither one of us had a team until in my early teenage years, when I started cheering loudly for my beloved Cardinals. Dad, has just been a baseball fan, in general. He used to take me to minor league games growing up in Nashville and that’s really where the fever hit. Now, Mateo and Kaia are set. My brainwashing and programing them to be true RED Cardinals fans is all part of parenting right? If when they are 18 and/or have moved out…THEN, they can cheer for whatever team they wish, but not until then .

Seriously, this is my 3rd Father’s Day and my Dad’s 50th (I have an older sister), and they just keep getting better. I forgot to ask Dad today how he felt compared to number 1-3, but I know, as I see him with my kids, the joy has just started all over again. Their smiles and my love for them is just a perfect mixture of joy that I can’t match to anything. Baseball is such a Dad sport too, so it was just fitting today that we spend it at the ballpark.

Enjoying a Rockies game with Daddy's girl - Father's Day 2011

What a blessing it is to enjoy my family and kids today and be honored by them and thanked by them for just being me…a guy that can’t help but love them and in a large sense was made to love them. It’s become easier and now fun to sit and enjoy moments of time with them, because soon they will be gone. Because, despite looking at a picture, just like you are right now, as I write, the moment has passed and the memory is now set. The picture/video is not the same as the experience that it reflects. God blessed my life by His perfect timing, because fortunately I learned to not let these times pass without feeling them wholly. It’s taken practice but now, being present is more on than off. I’m sure I miss a lot, but I catch more, I think, because I won’t take for granted the best gift I’ve been given…FATHERHOOD.

My parents too are from Nashville and when we talked about moving to Colorado, I for sure saw the sadness in their eyes. The grandchildren they had dreamed for along with us were now not going to be in their daily lives. Or were they. Turns out, as I look back and remember, my parents talked fondly of Colorado long before it was on our radar. So only 4 months after we moved in Feb. 2010, my parents moved right along too in May. The kids so love their their Papaw and Nana. Their other set of grandparents, Lolo and Lola, we knew would never leave South Florida, so they are the “visit grandparents”. You know the kind that you talk to on the phone for holidays and birthdays, and then meet up with on vacation to catch up with and enjoy. But my parents just so happen to get the “Go West Bug” when we did, and boy are we, as a family happy they did.

Wordless Wednedsday Blog.