integrity vs. addiction

As an Anesthetist I get a wide range of medical questions, not just those involving anesthesia. I’m not complainin’, I’m just sayin’. Don’t get me wrong I’m cool with it…because most of the time the people that are asking are my family, friends, or patients…and I am happy to answer anything I can. The questions usually center around a surgery or chronic illness of someone or their family member. Maybe something they are afraid to ask their doctor directly or just something that they’ve been saving to ask him/her on their next visit in 2 months. So I look at it, generally, as an opportunity to share honestly, and “without harm”, to someone. In other words, I tell them what I know IN COMBINATION with what I think (perception/view/judgement), if that is even relavent. Depending on the person and situation the last part may be very open or a little more tapered back or “vanilla”.

So here’s my take on Michael Jackson’s death via an anesthetic drug, Propofol, and his addiction, from an Anesthetist in recovery (and not so vanilla, I might add). This post comes from the “many” questions I have been fielding lately at work and out and about. My insight may not be that unique from others, but I believe, my experience in this profession, along with knowing something about my disease of addiction, and possibly how it affects others too is what’s motivating me to rant like this. My path of recovery seems to act as a light to reveal not just my disease to me, but in others to. I say that with confidence and humility, not arrogance and pride. Those close to me know this is true. So you get where I’m coming from? I hope so!

I have never been asked by more patients what Propofol is… or “the medicine Michael took”, than I have since his death. The brutal honesty of it is the medicine didn’t kill him. Propofol is an induction agent for general anesthesia. It does have a history of addiction, but it is unknown what component of the medicine is addictive. Many an anesthetist/anesthesiologist has died due to abuse of such a potent medication. Most deadly situations are due to overdose related to self administration. The facts in Michael’s story are that he was given the medicine and an overdose occured…either related directly or indirectly due to Propofol. This is what pisses me off probably the most. This is what I do for a living. Anesthesia is a medical science, that takes into account not just how 1 drug works, but many in tantum. My job gets a lot harder when a patient comes in telling me about ALL the pharmaceuticals they are on and I am to give medicines that render them unconscious…while at the same time maintaining hemodynamic stability.  I don’t get what was going on in that doctors mind. Seriously, I do this everyday and Michael would be a challenge, yet alone doing all this at his home.

Dr. Conrad Murray, a cardiologist, internal medicine specialist, was Michael’s doctor. It appears the guy (and others) did more harm than good and the outcome proves it…death. More and more info is coming out and if you haven’t put together that MJ was an addict, than you will…very soon. All the script meds this guy was on is freakin amazing. He probably has been dodging death for years and years. This doctors integrity and professionalism was bought for $150,000 a month to sign prescriptions, manage MJ’s healthcare, and sadly enable MJ’s chronic and deadly disease of addiction to the point of “killing” him. And again, it wasn’t just him. MJ’s family, collegues, friends, AND healthcare professionals all played their “deadly” part.

Micheal had no business using a mainly hospital based medicine that is used primarily for surgery and secondarily for heavy sedation, in someone’s makeshift hospital room, located in their house. RNs are not even allowed to administer this medicine via titration, yet alone a MD that manages patient care with little hands on experience. The RN that worked for MJ refused to give it…and good for her…STRONG WORK…that is some integrity. She doesn’t get off the hook totally because she has a “part” too. I wonder what she was payed to “enable”. I guess she had a price. I wonder if I do.

That, for me is the key, ie, “teaching tool” of this whole thing. When left to my own will (an addict’s will), God is pushed aside and my disease will run the show…and everyone close to me is fair game to destruction as well. My integrity is destroyed first and others’ follow. That is just how addiction works…and the result is ALWAYS, jails, institutions, or death. 

Photographing my life

I’m up late tonight and got a chance to cruise through some blogs. It has been months and months, but I haven’t been totally absent from the “cyber-world”. My hope is to turn this blog into more of a photoblog, but lately my pics have stayed in Flickr, along with the info related to them. I say all that, because if your like me, whether I know you well or just your kid from EN, I love seeing God do his thing in family’s lives. And what I mean by that is that adoption affects so many people. Mine did…my kid’s did…and I have been reading how yours does. I realized, I’m not a Facebook guy, so I let my camera be my “voice” about this last year of my life, and the Flickr site has some of that, so check it out. I surprisingly haven’t shot as much video as I thought I would…I think because it just takes to long to process.

Anyway…all that to say, I learn from others (you) and have a lot to share about what God is teaching me. My children and family seem to be the medium of God’s teaching lately, but more to be revealed. Peace. Here’s a couple pics of Mateo and Kaia last month at my buddy’s wedding.

          

no time…but time

So I wanted to post something quickly because today is 5/13 as in recovery513. I can’t let this 5 year anniversary go by without stating openly my gratitude to anyone that reads this blog. Being clean and sober for 5 years is a big deal and each day grows more and more gratitude, as life gets better and better. Unfortunately not easier, just better. So there I said it, THANKS! OK, 7 minutes til 5/14…whew!

Here are some upcoming posts that have some fun pictures involved. I’m running a little behind lately, and have a hard time keeping up. My life is sooo full.
1. Easter with the kids
2. Pearlie’s 1st Mother’s Day
3. more on 5/13/2009
4. My nephew’s wedding (Friday, 5/15/09)…and guess who’s performing the ceremony. Yep, yours truly. How crazy is that? You have got to see these pictures. Shoot, I, have got to see these pictures. Wish me luck. Maybe I’ll change the name of this blog to “The Rev Jeff speaks”…OK, maybe not.

See I told you my life was full…Stay tuned! Peace!

Officially…Mateo & Kaia

It’s official. Mateo and Kaia Pope are officially re-adopted.
We started this latest process in late January, which turns out to be a little late to get all the tax info for 4/15/2009. So, yes, extension-time. But none the less we chose to spend a little more money and give the kids the gift of being officially registered in the state of Tennessee, via a report of foreign birth, through Vital Records. So neither one will ever need to refer back to Guatemala for a birth certificate. Even though at the time of their adoption Coatepeque and Amititlan were relatively “cool” with getting our certified stuff on to the the embassy, you never know what the future situation will be. Many of my friends have told us that over the years they have needed several certified BCs, mainly for schools, so we figured what the heck, let’s do this for them…and us. I know not everyone that adopts internationally does this, but we could not find any negatives about doing it versus not. This takes the place of the name change part, since their new names were part of the court degree of re-adoption. It killed 2 birds with 1 stone. My only regret is not going ahead and registering for their SS card under their old names and just doing a name change of the card later. Oh well, it all worked out. So Mateo and Kaia are official now…They don’t seem to notice any difference it appears, but Daddy’s wallet soon will, as I can finally finish my taxes now.

Kaia, Pearlie, me, and Mateo wait for our number to be called at the SS office.

The Shack and me

The Shack...and me.

There are many books that I can think of that have influenced me…helped to shape my life…and opened up my mind to new ideas and events through other people’s eyes. A few examples that come to my mind are:

1. The Voice of the Heart – Chip Dodd
2. Band of Brothers – Steven Ambrose
3. Deep Survival – Laurence Gonzales
4. Steps to Christ – Ellen G. White
5. Tuesdays with Morrie – Mitch Albom
6. Alcoholics Anonymous – Bill W. (inspired by)
7. The Bible – God (inspired by)

The Shack is now added to my short (but never ending) list of “reference-back-to” books. These books are the ones, as life unfolds, I get to relate the experience with a new and different perspective thanks to an author’s insight that sparks growth and introspective thought and feeling, and apply some new tools to live. This is not a review or book report of The Shack but more of a testimonial of what jumped out at me. So here are some excerpts from the book that had meaning to me, my take on them, and how they touched me. I hope to not give away anything about the book, but it is possible I am, but nonetheless, read it for yourself and see what comes up for you. This book has the potential to knock down some walls of belief, that you may or may not have questioned in the past. Openmindedness was the key to my reading of this book…and God took care of the rest.

“Life takes a bit of time and a lot of relationship.” (p. 92) – This hit home for me because too often I want what I want, when I want it and most of the time relationships are involved and I need to remember that they take time and I have no control over time…except for the moment. And my job with the moment is to just live in it.

“I often find that getting head issues out of the way first makes the heart stuff easier to work on later…when (I’m) ready.” (p. 93) – WOW! That is so true, in my own experience. Sorry I can’t explain, you will just have to walk through your own. The book I noted above called Voice of the Heart is one of the best books I’ve read to center my life to being lived from my heart (with less head). My head to me is not valuable or important, it what keeps me safe and it has its place as I recall knowledge and information on a daily basis….But…But, my heart is where I desire to live from, because that’s where God lives. My heart teaches me to feel my feelings, tell the truth, and trust in the process.

“…you’re going to find this day a lot easier if you simply accept what is, instead of trying to fit it into your preconceived notions.” (p. 119) – This goes back to the head/heart thing I mentioned above. My head tells me to fit “something” into my mind’s eye, based on my experience, genetics, family dynamics, education, etc. (preconceived notions), but my heart, if its centered in Christ (or the God of your understanding) opens and accepts new things about God and the world he has created for me to live and succeed.

“Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me.” (p. 126) – Trust in my life starts with me and God and grows out from there into other relationships. If God and I are not cool with trust than me and Pearlie, me and my friends and family, and all other relationships in my life suffer from fear, insecurity, control, self-centeredness, because I then look to myself to fill ALL my needs because I don’t trust anyone else with them. I know others will disappoint and they are not perfect, but God is and if I stay close to Him, everyone else looks more and more “healthy” and trustworthy.

“It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can’t. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn’t real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear…So why do I have so much fear in my life? Because you don’t believe. You don’t know that we (the Trinity) love you. The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love. I am not talking about the rational fears regarding legitimate dangers, but imagined fears, and especially the projection of those into the future. To the degree that those fears have a place in your life, you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you. You sing about it; you talk about it, but you don’t know it.” (p. 142) – Fear is unavoidable in life, I recognize that. What I want today is to stop trying to control my life based on fear of…whatever. If you’re reading this and thinking, “I don’t have problems with control or wanting to manage everything,” I would say, you probably have no idea how much you really try to manage via yourself. Thanks to a culture that rewards people for being SELF-sufficient, time creative, and management rewarding the idea of being “good” at this is a positive rather than a negative. The line is so fine to me that I can not give an accurate analysis for me…but others can. God teaches me to be less me and more Him and practicing that day after day, makes a wonderful habit become a part of my life.

“The world is broken because in Eden you abandoned relationship with us to assert you own independence. Most men have expressed it by turning to the work of their hands and the sweat of their brow to find their identity, value, and security. By choosing to declare what’s good and evil you seek to determine your own destiny. It was this turning that has caused so much pain. (And related to women)…have turned from us to another relationship, while men turned to themselves and the ground. The world, in many ways, would be a much calmer and gentler place if women ruled. There would have been far fewer children sacrificed to the gods of greed and power.” (p. 146, 147, & 148) – Again relationship(s). This book is filled with jewels about relationships that cause me to think about why I do what I do and some of the choices that seem to come from deep inside of me. Knowing that I don’t have to “give into” my genetics, but can choose the right thing is real freedom to me.

“I’m not too big on religion, Jesus said a little sarcastically, and not very fond of politics or economics either. Jesus’ visage darkened noticeably. And why should I be? They are the man-created trinity of terrors that ravages the earth and deceives those I care about. What mental turmoil and anxiety does any human face that is not related to one of those three?” (p. 179) – It is worth saying that as I read this book my mind and heart struggled with old beliefs and religiousity, that to read something like what was just quoted, would be blasphemy. But I honestly must say that my heart vibes it’s core truth, which is God/Jesus didn’t come to form Christianity, He came to form a relationship with a Father in Heaven that loves me. The Jews were constantly bumping into old traditions that didn’t work for Jesus. They didn’t fit for Him. Relationship has to supercede religion. It did for Jesus, so it must for me. Religion is fallible. THE RELATIONSHIP is not!

“The whole thing is a process, not an event. All I want from you is to trust me with what little you can, and grow in loving people around you with the same love I share with you. It’s not your job to change them, or to convince them. You are free to love without an agenda.” (p. 181) I like this so much. I am free to be me and share my truth. I don’t have to go out and convert or change someone’s theology. I can just be Jeff and God can be God. Loving others is what I’ve always wanted to do freely anyway.

This book is a journey and it parallels my life to a tee. That’s why I think I vibed it so much.

If you’ve read this book, I’d love to hear your take on the above excerpts or whatever else you relate to concerning this book.

my daughter….the ultimate fighter!

my daughter….the ultimate fighter!, originally uploaded by Jeff Pope.

Pretty impressive how she can sling Mateo down and then “knock” him out the famous “Kaia-head-bounce”. Of course Mateo has similar skills that they must practice on each other…cause they’re getting good.

I’m so proud…(not!) We’re really not a violent family…really!

Dude, I didn’t realize how much I say dude….DUDE!
Don’t judge my parenting skills (or lack of), by not jumping up…someone had to video the moment