Based on a “parenting video” I saw recently, I became motivated to write a little about the false advertising concerning adoption. With Part 1, I’ll discuss 3 adoption taboos, that I relate to concerning my international adoption, of 2 children, from Guatemala. Part 2 will relate to my own, personal, domestic adoption, looking back now as an adult adoptee and adopter.
So here they are:
Taboo #1 – You can’t say how you wished your kids had your genetics and looked like you. I remember when Pearlie and I were dating and “talking” about marriage, we often discussed how adorable and cute a 1/2 caucasian and 1/2 filipino baby looked. It was crazy. The couple could be the ugliest ever, but put them together and make a baby…instant beauty. Now, if the couple was gorgeous and handsome…like us, of course, the beauty was even more majestic. So here I am with 2 beautiful guatemalan children, that look nothing like me. If I’m alone, with the kids, in a grocery store, I get looks, especially from the hispanics. If Pearlie is with me, I still get the looks, but not as long. Almost saying, “OK, she’s dark, so maybe it’s his kids…her genetics are just stronger.”
Taboo #2 - You can’t talk about the sadness of not being able to conceive a child. Many people…well, some people (women) talk about it from the woman’s perspective, but as a man, I had to grieve too. There were questions to answer like, would my marriage survive? Was it really OK to me? And mixed into all of that was my adoption and the shame I would feel just by thinking of adoption as a second option and conception as the best. By lying to myself and saying, “yeah, adoption’s cool, it’s the best anyway,” was really causing harm to me in two ways – not allowing myself to get comfortable in my own skin as an abandoned adoptee AND at the same time triggering the co-dependent husband who didn’t know how to tell the truth to his wife and let her have her own feelings of sadness and grief. I was afraid to talk to her and she was afraid to talk to me. Both of us lied to each other so feelings wouldn’t occur. Adoption is wonderful, but it is not the “bandage” for our infertility wounds. It is a whole separate issue that our marriage is still working through today.
Taboo #3 - You can’t talk about your “second thoughts” concerning adoption. It’s interesting that there are many BIG choices, that I’ve made in my life, where I’ve looked back and thought…”Wow, maybe that wasn’t the best choice.” In my career, I’ve done it. In my marriage of almost 19 years, I’ve done. It is human nature. But with adoption, it’s a little different. I think the big deal and reason for this is the forward planning and “absolute” commitment that is placed on a couple prior to even filling out the papers. A biological baby comes along due to normal sexual activity and maybe, maybe, a discussion or 2 or 3 that possibly having a kid would be a good thing. Or my favorite…A couple stops taking birth control and waits and sees what happens. If it happens cool…if not…well that’s cool too, as long as it’s not too long of a wait. For me, my second thoughts have come around my personal evaluation of whether I’m doing my kid(s) more harm than good, with me being their parent. The other deal is the total “robbery” of “my time” that my kids take. The commitment that I made when I signed those papers, on a bad day, is hard to find…and that’s when the thoughts creep in.
So why write and maybe even talk to others about these taboos and more? Because they are real…and the truth…and to ignore them is more unhealthy than acting out on them. And that is the key…realizing, admitting, and then accepting that things may not have turned out like my mind planned them, but that my family and how it formed and was put together is exactly how God had planned for it to be. Walking through the feelings of anger, shame, hurt, sadness, loneliness, and fear only get me to the other side where gladness, joy, gratitude, and love hang out. Most days really they are all mixed together like a soup. The journey that once was just mine, is now more, and just like with marriage, more to be revealed and way more to learn.
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