3 taboos concerning adoption (Part 1)

Based on a “parenting video” I saw recently, I became motivated to write a little about the false advertising concerning adoption. With Part 1, I’ll discuss 3 adoption taboos, that I relate to concerning my international adoption, of 2 children, from Guatemala. Part 2 will relate to my own, personal, domestic adoption, looking back now as an adult adoptee and adopter.

So here they are:

Taboo #1 – You can’t say how you wished your kids had your genetics and looked like you.  I remember when Pearlie and I were dating and “talking” about marriage, we often discussed how adorable and cute a 1/2 caucasian and 1/2 filipino baby looked. It was crazy. The couple could be the ugliest ever, but put them together and make a baby…instant beauty. Now, if the couple was gorgeous and handsome…like us, of course, the beauty was even more majestic. So here I am with 2 beautiful guatemalan children, that look nothing like me. If I’m alone, with the kids, in a grocery store, I get looks, especially from the hispanics. If Pearlie is with me, I still get the looks, but not as long. Almost saying, “OK, she’s dark, so maybe it’s his kids…her genetics are just stronger.”

Taboo #2 - You can’t talk about the sadness of not being able to conceive a child.  Many people…well, some people (women) talk about it from the woman’s perspective, but as a man, I had to grieve too. There were questions to answer like, would my marriage survive? Was it really OK to me? And mixed into all of that was my adoption and the shame I would feel just by thinking of adoption as a second option and conception as the best. By lying to myself and saying, “yeah, adoption’s cool, it’s the best anyway,” was really causing harm to me in two ways – not allowing myself to get comfortable in my own skin as an abandoned adoptee AND at the same time triggering the co-dependent husband who didn’t know how to tell the truth to his wife and let her have her own feelings of sadness and grief. I was afraid to talk to her and she was afraid to talk to me. Both of us lied to each other so feelings wouldn’t occur. Adoption is wonderful, but it is not the “bandage” for our infertility wounds. It is a whole separate issue that our marriage is still working through today.

Taboo #3 - You can’t talk about your “second thoughts” concerning adoption. It’s interesting that there are many BIG choices, that I’ve made in my life, where I’ve looked back and thought…”Wow, maybe that wasn’t the best choice.” In my career, I’ve done it. In my marriage of almost 19 years, I’ve done. It is human nature. But with adoption, it’s a little different. I think the big deal and reason for this is the forward planning and “absolute” commitment that is placed on a couple prior to even filling out the papers. A biological baby comes along due to normal sexual activity and maybe, maybe, a discussion or 2 or 3 that possibly having a kid would be a good thing. Or my favorite…A couple stops taking birth control and waits and sees what happens. If it happens cool…if not…well that’s cool too, as long as it’s not too long of a wait. For me, my second thoughts have come around my personal evaluation of whether I’m doing my kid(s) more harm than good, with me being their parent. The other deal is the total “robbery” of “my time” that my kids take. The commitment that I made when I signed those papers, on a bad day, is hard to find…and that’s when the thoughts creep in.

So why write and maybe even talk to others about these taboos and more? Because they are real…and the truth…and to ignore them is more unhealthy than acting out on them. And that is the key…realizing, admitting, and then accepting that things may not have turned out like my mind planned them, but that my family and how it formed and was put together is exactly how God had planned for it to be. Walking through the feelings of anger, shame, hurt, sadness, loneliness, and fear only get me to the other side where gladness, joy, gratitude, and love hang out. Most days really they are all mixed together like a soup. The journey that once was just mine, is now more, and just like with marriage, more to be revealed and way more to learn.

New Addition, Baby Hayden

Adoption has entered my life again. This is Hayden. He is a sweet 5 month old baby boy and the new son of my nephew, Jason and his wife, Shannon.

Hayden

Every time adoption comes “near me”, it stirs up one main feeling…Happiness. I was so happy to hear of Jason and Shannon’s addition to their house and lives. Domestic adoption, which I personally understand, is so much different than international, also which I personally understand. The days of closed adoptions are over…thank God. I would love to have some information on my birth family. Just a morsel would be fine. That’s when other feelings related to adoption come to the surface like, fear and anger. Fear comes from the story I tell myself, in my head that I may never find and/or know my birth parents and in a sense never know “where I came from”. The anger is more from my desire for it to be different. That back in the 60s someone thought it was a good idea not to let any information leak, because the adopting family and the baby want to feel as “normal as possible”…like the child came from the woman that is raising him/her is the best thing for them developmentally. WRONG!

Me - 1969

My anger today is not as great, since I know they are doing it right. Open to partially open adoptions are so much the way to go. My kids are going to feel and experience some of both, plus the issue of their genetics screaming GUATEMALA, but their reality is USA. The pictures below were taken when they were still at the orphanage in Guatemala, Eagles Nest. I know the “mamas” meant well as these were the July monthly

Kaia - July 2008 - Guatemala @ Eagles Nest

Mateo - July 2008 - Guatemala @ Eagles Nest

pictures that our agency sent us. My job today is not giving them plenty of American culture, they live here, it’s all around them. My challenge is helping to preserve their Guatemalan heritage that flows through their blood stream and is woven into their DNA strands. I don’t want them to forget where they came from and ultimately where they are going. They live the present and feel every moment of it. That’s what kids do. It’s me that forgets my babies are adopted sometimes. I “see” them though, and they know it, because I tell them and they vibe it. Love just does that. The blessings of adoption are so cool that via the same love a biological parent has, I too get to experience what it’s like to “see” a child, “feel” a child, and LOVE them like my life depended on it. And now Jason and Shannon get to experience the same thing.

Welcome Home Hayden…ready for some lovin’?

Love in Estes Park (2009)

Jason and Shannon's Wedding 5/16/2009

I came across this collage today as I was organizing some photos. It’s one of my most favorite moments of my life. Blessed!

“Daaaadddddyyyyy, you can’t look with your ears.”

Mateo

Here is an exchange I had with Mateo today:
Mateo: “Hey Daddy, look, watch this, it’s funny.”
Me: (Tuned out…sorta, remember I’m an adult I’m good at that).
Mateo: “Daddy, look, I want to show you.”
Me: (not looking at him, I answer) “OK, cool, show me.”
Mateo: “Daaaddddyyyy, you can’t look with your ears.”

Damn, he got me. He’s good!

Michael…

Wow, it’s hard to believe it’s been only 2 years since Michael Jackson’s death.
I blogged about Integrity vs. Addiction a couple months after his death. That blog was more focused on the lack of integrity by Dr. Conrad and the addiction of Michael. The 2 combined ended up deadly for MJ.

What a troubled guy he probably was…more than we will probably ever know.

I’ll miss his talent. Here’s a little something I found that keeps his memory a little more active.

I hope YOU “chip your tooth”.

I love the “I Am Second” videos.

I first blogged about this series when I saw Josh Hamilton’s video, back in April, 2009. Anyone that opens up and shares their struggles and pain with honesty and humility is so inspiring to me. God digs it and I do too. There is something so strong about shedding our “societal cloak” and getting to our brokenness. I think that is what brings people together. I couldn’t help but feel like I’ve known Michelle for all my life. Turns out it’s because her story is mine, and that is where the connection comes. God is big enough, but I’ve got to let Him out of “the box”, my brain/childhood beliefs/”feelings” puts Him in, to see and experience His hugeness.

Have a wonderful Sunday.